Summer has come and gone and school is in full swing. Spending a Nebraska summer six months pregnant took more out of me than I thought humanly possible. Cooking a human when you’re cooking in the heat is exhausting. Breathing made me sweat. Talking made me sweat. Existing made me sweat. It was awful.
Now that Fall is around the corner, my heart is opening once again. Like many basic white women, Fall is my absolute favorite season. It’s when I feel most alive and contented. Halloween, hot chocolate, scarves, snuggles by the fire with a good book. This year Jon and I get to add the arrival of our daughter to the list of things to look forward to. This time of year has also reignited my passion for photography. The yearning to photograph everyone and everything. The need for subjects and knowledge.
I have taken a few family portraits for friends and am still tinkering away at Lightroom to try and build my knowledge of editing, but I worry. I worry that when Baby Girl arrives I won’t have time for my passions, for myself, anymore. I see so many articles about making time for yourself, making sure you leave baby every now again to recenter and focus on yourself and your needs. This sounds easy in practice…
But I worry.
I worry about the guilt setting in once I step out the door. I worry about the anxiety of not being able to see my baby and know that she’s okay. I worry about being able to trust others to take care of her. I worry about losing myself, in every aspect of the word. I worry about the shame others may thrust upon me if I post about something other than my daughter. While I wish I had thick skin, I am an incredibly sensitive person and have already felt the sting of Mom-shaming. I had an acquaintance ask if I was returning to work after Baby Girl was born, and upon hearing my affirmative response replied, “Oh how heartbreaking for your little girl!”
But I hope. I hope that the family Jon and I have built, with those blood-related and not, will support us. I hope that we will be encouraged, and encourage ourselves to not let go of our individuals passions. I hope that I can learn to let go of anxiety, to trust others because I know they’ll love and care for my Baby Girl. I hope that I can find the balance of being myself. A Wife, Photographer, Dog-mom, Bookworm, Geek, Sister, Daughter, Friend, & Mom.